Fon-Do’s and Fon-Don’ts: How to Survive a Bike Ride With 7,500 Other People

I rode my very first Fondo on Saturday. I know it seems kind of crazy, but ever since moving to Northern California 15 years ago, the idea of paying to ride the same fabulous roads I ride every weekend seems ridiculous. Plus, there is a group ride going off somewhere in the Bay just about every hour.

Anyway, I was invited to Levi’s GranFondo and I figured I better go check out this growing phenomenon. The route is one of the most beautiful in all the world and the event is organized with loving precision.

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As a way to cover the Fondo I was going to do a little “Tales From the Road” story. But I had so many random pieces of advice pop into my head during the ride I figured the experience was best told as a listicle.

So in no particular order, here’s what I was thinking during the big day.

• If you book the cheapest motel that comes up on a list of cheap hotels, you can assume the motel is going to be cheap.
• Bartering through a tiny window while standing in the parking lot of said motel is pretty much useless. Especially if the motel is sold out.
• Booking ahead is a must, even for scary ass fleabag motels.
• Following the local guy who appears to be disregarding all the traffic cones and common sense usually leads to a great parking spot at the Fondo.
• A great parking spot is one of the simple joys in life. Just like ice cream, Sylvester Stallone movies and afternoon naps.
• If you can, get yourself a VIP badge or a media invite, because being up front at a Fondo with 7,500 people is the bomb.
• Being up front, next to the speakers where the MC thinks he is announcing a WWF wrestling match, is not as cool as you would think.
• If Barry Bonds asks you to take a picture for him, you better not mess it up.
• If you work somewhere where you all have matching kits you should feel pretty damn lucky. I am putting in an application at Capo and Patron this week. They have bomber matchy, matchy kits.
• Bring a partner who can help you with your race numbers, sunscreen and last minute checklist.

• The start of a Fondo with 7,500 people is ridiculous because it takes 30 minutes for everyone to just cross the start line.
• The road bike game has a huge douche problem.
• Here’s a short list of how not to be a douche. Don’t race up the inside of the road hoping to move up a couple of spots. Don’t roll across the double yellow going into a blind curve. Do communicate with those around you. Do be aware of your position in the pack. Don’t get in over your head.
• Knowing your ability will be the difference between being a positive force and being a douche.
• I realize this is a race. Sort of. And you are being timed. Sort of. But if you really have the rage raging through your veins, you might want to find some other form of bicycling outlet. Crushing and winning a Fondo is really nothing to be proud of.
• We all think we are amazing bike handlers. I, of course, am. But some of you who think you are Danny MacAskill, are not. Ask your riding partner for an honest assessment. Better yet, assume you are all over the bike and all over the road and adjust yourself.
• It doesn’t matter if you ride a vintage steel beauty or a brand new carbon fiber wondership. Sooner or later the bonk is going to reach out and crush you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon.
• In the old days, “sports” drinks were delicious and apparently not that great for you. Today, sports drinks taste nasty but apparently give you what your bodies need. I’m not sure I like all this new hydration research.
• When you are four abreast and 20 deep on the first climb of the day, you can pretty much assume someone is going down. The sound of carbon on rubber on pavement on spokes is a horrible sound. The massive “thunk” that a falling rider makes is heartbreaking. As much as your brain tells you to, do not look back. Watch the wheel in front of you and think positive thoughts for your fallen comrade.

• Headphones? Um, no. Save it for spin class or at least until you are not out on the road with 7499 other cyclists.
• Rest stops are really not meant for resting. Resting happens when you get home. Rest stops are there to break up the monotony of pedaling and allow you to eat a bunch of crap you wouldn’t otherwise touch.
• I’m torn between the healthy snacks at a rest stop like watermelon, banana and fig bars, and the things that remind me of my childhood. Is a Fondo really a great time to let it go and flashback to eating Oreos, Nutter Butters and M&Ms? I guess my advice is to alternate. At one stop I eat healthy. At the next stop I eat like the emotional cripple I know I am.
• There really is a rhythm to climbing. You are trying to find the perfect spot between what your heart can handle and what your muscles can handle. If you are spinning like a madman or slow churning like you’re making butter, you have probably not found your sweet spot.
• With 7,499 other bicyclists on the road there is always a wheel to suck. And for the most part everyone is down. I love this. This is what is going to get me to sign up for another Fondo. After the herd thins, it’s wheels, wheels, everywhere a wheel.
• If you are trying to be friendly as you go by me on a climb, shut the fukk up. Can’t you see I’m fat, old and out of shape? Let’s chat on the way down the other side, you skinny little bastard.
• With my head down, my knees slightly achy and sweat pouring off me in the unseasonably warm weather, all I can think is let this be over. Then I come upon a mother and daughter team doing the last couple miles of the Piccolo (shorter) route. The daughter is decked in all pink. Pink shoes, helmet, bike, sunglasses and even pink gloves. She is grinning from ear-to-ear. She wins. She is the winner. She is what Fondos are really all about. And because she wins, I win, too.
• I’m not a big beer drinker, but a free, ice cold IPA after a hot day on the bike in Santa Rosa is just downright delightful. I’m just saying.